Being Human

sadness… my dear old friend. there are somedays that his cold embrace is the one holding me as i wake. on those days, i look for the small joys. the warm coffee, a call from a friend, or my hair curling correctly for once. and sometimes, they make me feel even worse.

its just a reminder that my brain is wired this way. seeking optimism to combat what feels like the undefeatable shawdow. a reminder that it might end up being a long life living like this (And not in a good way my friends).

i find myself wanting to do this barter and trade with god. “Hey, if we could dial back the emotional Sensitivity a bit, could i get a little more dopamine down here?”

Some days, it feels like it is my brain’s dopamine in the negatives. bright bold red text too. motivation? gone. the future? feels non- Existent.

if only there was a man around the corner in a trench coat selling off- brand dopamine so i can At least make it into work.

but science tells us a few things. Dopamine isn’t happiness itself. dopamine is the chemical that drives reward, motivation, and novelty. low levels of it does not mean you are faulty or broken; they mean that your brain is sending you a signal. stress, overstimulation, lack of sleep, or reading my shitty blog can all drain it.

luckily, there are real ways to get that quick hit. even starting with a brisk walk outside (which i will literally force myself to do after this) can help reconnect you. sunlight, music, nature, or tackling a small goal can help remind you how beautiful that scary world actually is.

personally, cooking, listening to a podcast, or writing on here can take what i assumed was going to be a really sh*TTy time to some smiley time. and i love smiley time.

sometimes the spark is tiny. some days, its barely noticeable. but it Isn’t about chasing a chemical high (They have drugs for that)- but about Acknowledging the flicker. the spark that you created by yourself, and more importantly, for yourself.

however, if anyone does figure out where to buy dopamine, please share the address. asking for a friend.